Choir Practice Time With The Sorting Hat
by Baka of the Funk
Summary: -Oneshot, crack, swearing- As part of an initiative to prevent bad behaviour at Hogwarts, a new type of detention is formed... choir practice. With the Sorting Hat. Whatever could go wrong? WARNING: Makes no sense. Don't say you weren't warned.


**Okay, so this is my first attempt at a Harry Potter fanfic since that awful crossover I started years ago. You know, the one EVERYBODY starts then realises 'This... is a load... of crap!'. (Or is that just me?) By the way, if the word crap, or any other bad language for that matter, offends you, turn around and leave right now, while you still can. Yeah. I wrote this at one in the clock in the morning whilst high on chocolate coated raisins, so it makes negative infinity sense. Negative. Infinity. **

**I got the idea from some essay on the lexicon. The quote itself: _"For example, I'd love to see the Sorting Hat coaching the Hogwarts' School Choir - that would have so much comic potential."_ **

**Of course, this being me, it all went to hell rather fast. But the general gist of it that instead of detention, people have to do choir practice. And Goyle likes pocky. And it's not really set at any point in time. And although I'm waiting for my friend's reaction, it may be the first Sorting HatXLuna pairing ever. But I'm not sure whether it counts O.o **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, South Park and the mystery franchise at the end. **

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"Once more from the top!" the Sorting Hat bellowed from his stool. In front of him stood a group of clearly unamused Hogwarts students stood organised from the tallest at the back to the midgets- er, that is to say, first years, at the front.

From somewhere in the middle of the group, a boy with silvery blond hair crossed his arms, leaning back as far as he could go. "Hell no," he sneered. "It's not even my fault I'm here in the first place."

A couple of people over, Harry Potter sighed exasperatedly. "Suck it up, Malfoy."

"You suck it up."

"No, you suck it up."

"No, you suck it up."

"No you-"

"Nobody will be doing ANY sucking, if I have anything to say about it." the Hat interrupted coolly.

Some of the younger kids giggled. A few rows in front of Harry, Colin Creevey snorted. "He said 'suck'."

"Oh, that's really mature, Colin." Hermione sniffed. She stood in between him and a guffawing third-year. Ron leant forward to rest his elbows on her shoulders.

"She's just PO'd because Boy Wonder over there-" he jerked a thumb in Harry's direction. "Got us put in detention with him. So don't be offended or anything." Hermione moved to the side, causing Ron to fall over.

"I'll give you 'offended'..." she scowled. The lanky boy still lay on the floor, the rest of the detainees arranging themselves around him as though nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Detention?" Luna Lovegood, third row, fourth to the left, interjected. "I thought this was choir practice."

"You know what this is?" Malfoy bit out tersely. "A cruel and unusual punishment. You should all be ashamed of yourselves."

"What, no threatening to whine to your father?" Harry mocked. Draco shot him a withering look.

"Hurr hurr," Crabbe laughed. "Mr Malfoy'd be pissed."

Panicking, Goyle whacked his friend around the back of his head. "Whaddarya, stupid? Don' mention boss' dad! Or he won't give us pocky!"

"Gurk..." replied Crabbe from the floor. Ron, still floored from his fall, gave him the finger unhelpfully.

"I WILL HAVE ORDER!"

"GASP. It's Umbridge."

If the Sorting Hat were a person, or any other animal with appendages suitable for hitting himself in the face with, he would have done so. However, as a being lacking opposable thumbs, all he could do to express his annoyance was sigh.

"From the top-" he repeated. This time, the bored faces seemed vaguely ready to start. "_There are times when you get suckered in,_" started the hat, soft piano music begining to play in the background. "_By drugs and alchohol and sex with women, mmkay. But its when you do these things too much, that you've become an addict and must get back in touch..._"

Everyone was silent, but the hat carried on regardless, the music becoming more upbeat.

_"You can do it, it's all up to you, mmmmmkay. With a little plan you can change your life today. You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack, homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack, follow my plan and very soon you will say, its easy mmkay. Step one: Instead of 'ass', say 'buns', like 'kiss my buns' or 'you're a buns hole'. Step two: Instead of 'shit' say 'poo', as in 'bull poo', 'poo head' and this 'poo is cold'. Step three: With 'bitch' drop the 't' because bich is latin for generosity! Step four: Dont say fuck any more because fuck is the worst word that you can say, so just use the word mmmkay!"_

The student chorused, "_We can do it its all up to us, mmmkay. With a little plan we can change our lives today! We don't have to spend our lives shootin up in the trash, homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash. Follow this plan and very soon you will say, it's easy, mmkay!_"

"_Step one-_" the Soring Hat sang.

"_Instead of ass say buns,_" continued Ginny. "_Like 'kiss my buns' or 'you're a buns hole'!_" finished Ernie.

"_Step two-_"

"_Instead of shit say poo,_" a group of second year girls sang shrilly. "_As in 'bull poo', 'poo head' and 'this poo is cold'_"

"_Step three-_"

"_With 'bitch' drop the 't', because bich is latin for generosity!_" the soprano's of the choir joined in.

"_Step four-_"

"_Dont say fuck any more, cuz fuck is the worst word that you can say, fuck is the worst word that you can say,_" By now, everyone was singing. "_we shouldn't say fuck, no we shouldn't say fuck, fuck nooooo!!!_"

"_You're cured, you can go!_" the hat exclaimed. There was a scramble to get out of the great hall by all except Luna, who was the sole student who stayed to finish the song.

"_We don't have to spend our lives shootin up in the trash, homeless on the streets giving handjobs for cash. Follow this plan and very soon you will saaay, its easy mmmkay!_" She danced a little, too, now there was enough room.

"_It's easy mmmkay!_" Agreed the Sorting Hat.

"_It's easy mmmkay!_" Luna echoed.

"_It's easy _" finished the hat, as Luna concluded the song as well.

"_It's easy mmm, it's easy mmm, it's easy mmm, it's easy mmmkaaaay!_"

As the show music came to an end, the hat and the Ravenclaw sat and stood laughing.

Indeed, they kept laughing even as the doors opened again, Draco Malfoy striding into the room self-importantly.

"I forgot my hat..." Pause. "OHMYGOD-" he screamed, watching the couple laugh. He screamed again, but this didn't deterr them. He clasped his hands to his face, letting out another silent scream.

Robotically, he stumbled back out of the hall, face ashen and eyes threatening to melt out of his skull.

Goyle frowned. "Where's yur hat?"

It was the last straw: Draco puked down the front of Goyles robes at the reminder.

"Hurr hurr," laughed Crabbe as he pointed at his unfortunate friends. "Wait... Is that the smell of..."

"Vomit?" a passing Harry supplied unhelpfully. Crabbe ignored him, face contorted in disgust.

"...Wasted pocky!" he cried, shaking his fist at the ceiling.

"SACRELIGE!" the Fridge Goblin shrieked from out of nowhere. "Come, Xion. We must avenge this tradgedy." A girl with short black hair folded her arms over her tight black leather cloak nodded and scampered after the creature.

And that was the last Hogwarts ever heard from the Fridge Goblin.

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**If it makes you feel any better, I didn't see the ending coming either. In fact, the whole thing was a train wreck...**

**Also, If you get the Fridge Goblin bit, you are awesome. Same if you know where I got the 'Gasp.' from.**

**Then again, if you made it this far, you deserve chocolate of some sort.**

**I know this is terrible, but forgive me and hopefully you got a laugh out of it somewhere along the way...**


End file.
